Challenge at the earliest experience level
Early January 2017 I made a vow to do a deep wave of body, mind, emotional and spiritual re-alignment. I needed to! I felt the challenge of trauma as some professionals were saying I might need a hip replacement.
To avoid that, I began simultaneous work on all levels. I began a thorough deconstruction; a “cleaning house” to the core. It turned out to be quite a trauma ride! Some of the worst “self-attack thinking,” internalized fear, and self doubt surfaced.
I don’t know if you’ve ever felt these things, but they are debilitating. My vow had worked. The universe completely mirrored externally what I needed to clear out, challenges that had occurred for me in infancy. A house remodel went bad due to my contractor getting a head injury, and I had a series of bad contractors which cost me extra money. I had to pay to have work redone, and my home stopped feeling safe. I couldn’t settle or relax. I felt burdened all the time with trying to find the right support, and no good contractors being available during the busy summer months. The project dragged out through the fall, and winter was coming.
Feeling unsafe in the body mind is challenging
In the process, I confronted somatic imprints and beliefs I had formed during infancy, lodged in the existential brain of a helpless infant. Even while I couldn’t “make it all go away,” fortunately I knew what I was tracking. Years of clinical work with others, and my own healing journeys had me right in the level of tracking Brain States and need shock. The challenge of emotional confusion, toxicity, self-doubt, disorientation, and non-safety jumped to the surface; my earliest experiences (0 to 18 Months) had created beliefs and patterns related to survival challenge. For me, in addition to feeling loved, my in utero time included nicotine and amphetamines, making it hard to settle or get enough nutrients. The resulting prematurity of NICU invasive tubes, heel pricks, and monitoring completed the sense of nowhere to go for safety.
My intentional prayer had brought me the opportunity to cycle through these emotional brain states with more wisdom and resources than a newborn.
I practiced “staying on the surf board” as waves of emotional trauma surfaced and passed. It was challenging. I found support through hands on BMC sessions, the joint work of Kaiut yoga, and the integrative spiral movements of Gyrotonics. This combination of treatments unwound long standing fascial patterns. Slow by slow, the chronic hip pain diminished and is gone. The fascia confusion confusion in diaphragm, hips, and shoulders due to crawling with completely straight arms and legs was getting reworked. Deep cramps appeared in my calves, feet, and shoulders and with Kaiut yoga, I had the guidance and fortitude to relax in the face of painful restrictions.
As chemicals released into my synapses for processing, I had to face an internal globalized sense of challenge. As one level stabilized, another earlier level surfaced. As I digested the womb and post-birth “felt sense” memories, a new one emerged called “vanishing twin” (VT). It is the earliest of imprints. Simply put, a “twin” occurs during embryo cell division. It is said that at least 50% of zygotes form twins while inside the covering of the Zona Pelucida. This makes sense in terms of species survival. This means you have a best friend to incarnate with. They travel with you from the spirit world and unfortunately die during the ride down the fallopian tube as resources are used up prior to implantation. That is an early trauma! And, it is so existential! The experience of VT impacts the sense of self, soul, and spirit on the most basic cellular matrix.
While sorting out my “bad” experiences, I realized I was enabling bad contractors by feeling desperate to get help, all the while as my resources were being drained away. During my “survival journey” last year, I resorted to friends, corrective self-talk, and what I call “staying on the surfboard” as waves of shock surfaced and passed. Emotions followed the waves of cellular expression and I just had to let my brain destabilize and re-stabilize. This is hard work; you are metabolizing globalized chemical full-body releases and might feel crazy, unless you know what is happening. (See Birth’s Hidden Legacy for how to work at the existential level).
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Now, following the winter Solstice and holidays, I am happy to say energies are moving and stabilizing. I moved out of my “toxic womb” house and into my condo and am sorting through everything I own. There is a feeling of gratitude and rightness in space and time as I find resilience following this deep cellular metabolism and integration.
On that note, deep gratitude to all my teachers and the teachings, and to life!
I hope your Solstice and Holidays went well! May this year be nourishing and leave you wiser and happier.
In friendship and kindness,