Your mom may be more involved than you think
The way we learn to connect with our mother influences the way we connect in relationships throughout our life. Challenges in your relationship can be traced back to the way you learned to relate to your mother. This attachment style is wired in the primitive part of the brain in infancy. Thus, it is easy to fall back on as you become comfortable in your relationship. By assessing pre and perinatal influences you can develop a stronger attachment style with your partner.
There are three major attachment styles that can develop in early life:
- Secure attachment- child gives into parental control and protection
- able to self regulate
- strong sense of self
- expects the world to be safe
- Dismissive/ anxious attachment- child avoids connection, becomes overly dependent on mother, or indifferent to mother
- Avoidant- child looks away from mother
- Anxious- hyper-vigilant tracking of mother, fear of strangers
- Dismissive/ Ambivalent- does not seek contact
- Preoccupied/ disorganized attachment- child acts lost or controlling to manage anxiety; overly aggressive or punitive to parents
- Controlling Caregiving: child manages anxiety through care, takes care of others to excess
- Controlling Punitive: child takes charge to feel power; berates adults to manage anxiety
It can be hard to break the habit of projecting negativity from early life into relationships. This is because it is so ingrained in us. We can have shock responses to our early unmet needs that create attachment styles. This will be discussed in a later blog.
Attachment styles can subconsciously affect your ability to trust. Shock from experiences before, during or after birth can stick with us and color our relationships later on.
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